Deja vu all over again
This afternoon I had the strongest, strangest feeling of deja vu that I've had in a long time.
I was sitting in the neighbour's upstairs, collecting books they were giving me for A. I was sorting out what they were showing me and deciding if A would like them or not. As I sat there, I was bowled over by the feeling of having seen and been there before. Well, not really, but I
knew I'd seen it before at least. It was such a strong feeling and lasted for upward of a minute before dissapating, that I couldn't even speak. I was just watching the show unfold and feeling queasier by the second. I don't even know why I was feeling queasy. The only thing I can find is that I know that this path is leading to some sort of strong upheaval shortly. I don't know what, or how, or why, but that's all I can think.
So I take all this to mean that I'm basically exactly where I'm supposed to be, and when I supposed to be here. That this checkpoint in life has been passed, but where it's headed I don't know. But I'm barreling down a road to somewhere, that's for sure.
Only time will tell.
Wishes and dreams
When I got up this morning, I really had a feeling of impending fate. Nothing that lept at me, nothing that said "today you'll meet your maker" or anything so dramatic as that. More like someone close to me having a turning point and their fate would encompass mine and there was sweet bugger all I could do about it.
At the time I realized that if there was nothing I could do, well then just go with it. I mean, what other choice did I have? Go with it willingly or go with it kicking and clawing the whole way. I'm too tired these days to kick and claw. So I got my hat and let it take me downtown.
I got into the car, to drive S to her interview, and as I was accellerating down to the highway, they started playing Alanis. It was the one about "you dig everything, all my light, all my dark" -- that one. The one that only ever makes me think of E. I haven't heard that one in months. But there it was. And when I pulled off the highway and slowed down again, the song playing was "Home". Another E song. One that follows us wherever we go. And here it was like the two had blended, one into the other.
Then I got to see E. I loitered outside her french class, like it was university and I was skipping History to see her. I wanted to take her something, bring her a hot chocolate, something, but there wasn't really an option for that. No way to sneak it in. We talked, wandered around a bit, I deposited her back in class. I couldn't take my eyes off her. I can't describe how just looking at her makes me feel. I could stare into those eyes for a week and not blink.
I sat in her office after, and just reveled in being there, being
near her, in her environment, in her world. I know, silly, but I loved it just the same. It was like I was absorbing the waves her space gives off. Pickin' up good vibrations, as the Beach Boys say.
So I left the building, and was getting into the car to drive back out here. So what song is on the radio then? Kalen Porter, "Lost in a Dream" I think it's called. Another one that only brings thoughts of E to my mind. And another one I've not heard in months.
So what is the message? What do I take from the feeling of fate, and the songs of the one I love? I take it as a good omen. I don't know what it means for sure, but I'll trust in a benevolent future, and let fate make those choices it needs to in order for me to get there.
A final thought. Phil said today "
"When you wish upon a star / It makes no difference who you are / Anything your heart desires will come to you." This famous verse from Pinocchio nicely encapsulates the effect of Venus's alignment.". I wished tonight. Star light/star bright/first star I saw tonight. I made my wish for my heart's desires to come true. For stars and fate and luck and love to take me Home.
I'm Hearing Voices
I'd dropped A and S at the saturday music class and was going to walmart to get Blue's Clues band aids. Walmart was a ZOO (honestly it was worse than christmastime) so I was headed over to Loblaws, and decided (why not) to pause at Chapters.
So I wandered tehre for a few minutes, and was headed out, via the bargoon books section. I like browsing the bargains and seeing what they have. I was just wandering into the section when I heard a strange "bweep" noise, like a horn or a clock chime or something.
Then I swear I heard someone call my name, first and last. And not in that conversational, hey there's a friend I'll call out, sorta tone. No this was more the voice of doom calling for your soul at midnight kinda sound. "
Fiiiirrrrrsssttttt Laaaassssstttttttt" kwim? So, of course I whip around, look, no one there. I peer around the stack I'd turned behind to see who was behind me, and there's no one there either. There's a lady waving to some guy and talking to him...but no one who would be calling out to me...and no one is looking around like they heard it at all. I found it very disturbing, and confusing...I have no idea what it was, why or what it may mean...
Other than the fact that I'm hearing voices...which is usually never a good sign....
E wasn't kidding was she?
E said to me a while back that she thought that for a while I'd be "taking the lead"? She wasn't kidding! And I really find the events of today intreguing in light of the post I made
yesterday. I mean, holy heck, could that have been any more direct? Or should I just say "me and my big mouth"? ;-)
And so it all goes on around me, and I just stand in the maelstrom watching it all like I'm in a dream, wondering what I'm supposed to be feeling, wondering what I am feeling, and wondering where it's all going. I said yesterday that I was ready for whatever was coming, and I have to stand by that. I was, I am, and I will be. But I also don't think I understand it, not even in the slightest. That's okay though, I guess, because that's part of the lesson.
Really, thinking about it now, as I sit here typing, that's one of the big huge lessons I had on my plate. Learning that it's not my plan, or even my impression of the plan. It's
the Plan. The big Plan. The Capital P Plan. And I'm not supposed to understand it. But I am supposed to accept it. As is. As presented.
Phil said today:
Changing the angle from which you view your dilemma will bring improvement. Keep your mind open to new ideas and don't despair if everything seems totally wrong at this moment. What seems like a mistake today will be right tomorrow.
and also
In order to give yourself some sense of control over the various problems that you face, you have adopted a somewhat defensive frame of mind. You really do need to relax under pressure or you will be too tense to benefit from the week's big astrological advantage.
So that gives me some guidance, some help, and a touch of warning that something was coming at least. Thanks Phil. Much appreciated! :-)
I've spent my day trying to keep an open mind, trying to not be defensive, trying to benefit from my astrological advantage, whatever it may be. And so I also will engage this newfound patience and see what tomorrow brings.
I know this is probably all terribly muddled and I know I won't understand what I've written in a few weeks. But really that's how my thought processes are running right now, with tired, and everything else going on. Sorry, you whoever may read this, my apologies. Maybe I'll try and clean this up later, or turn the muddled aspects into something more legible at least. Until then...I think I need some sleep.
Future Holdings
Well, I don't know why, but it seems like an appropriate time for this...I guess lately I've been wondering what the future holds for me. It feels like there's something on the horizon again, the ol' winds of change are blowing and I'm not sure what they're blowing in (or out as the case may be).
I was really giving this some thought last night, and I think the realization or conclusion I've come to is...I don't know, and I don't particularly care (tah-dah!). Okay, that sounds callous. It's not so much that I don't *care*...more that I know whatever happens will happen and that really there's sweet squat all I can do to influence it at this point, and that when it comes and I can perhaps help to pick my path, well, I trust and know that it'll all work out in the end, no matter what.
A very wise woman has taught me that there are no "mistakes", no "wrong directions". Some paths take longer to get there, others take shorter, but in the end you still get there. All this is a dream, and it's already been done, time does not exist. The goal is to get home, simple as that. I know I'll get there, I'm certain of it.
So speculation as to what the future holds, it's okay, I'll wait, thanks, and see when it gets here. I know I can handle it, I'm (I suppose) ready for it. I think I have a few ideas of what's out there, somewhere in the murk of then, and if and when they get here, okay, and until then, that's okay too. I think I'm learning what I need to learn, which is the key to the whole thing in end. Learn the lessons, take the steps, embrace your destiny, find your way back home.
To quote one of my favorite Shakespere lines "Blow wind, crack thy cheeks..." I accept and embrace the winds of change and what they may bring me. (And to quote the Nickelback song that I fear stands on the horizon "Something's gotta go wrong, 'cause I'm feeling way too damn good", but I do trust it'll all come out in the end)
The Post Thief!
I'm just a posting thief! Another snagged from E who snagged from eleswhere...
Four Jobs I've Had:
1. Unix Sysadmin
2. Tech Researcher
3. Writer/screenwriter
4. Business & technology Stratigist
Four Movies I Watch Over and Over Again:
1. Zulu
2. casablanca
3. The Maltese Falcon (yes, even though I know who did it)
4. Wild Wild West (yeah, I know, it was awful, but I'm a sucker for VSF)
Four T.V. Shows I Watch:
1. Mythbusters
2. Rick Mercer
3. The Tonight Show (well the monologue at least)
4. Um....that's all I can think of
Four Places I've Been on Vacation:
1. China (Shanghai, Beijing)
2. London
3. Vancouver
4. California (LA and San Francisco)
Four Websites I Visit Daily:
1.
The Toronto Star 2.
Dr. Fun3.
Astro4.
WiredFour Favorite Foods:
1. Apple Pie
2. Bacon Cheeseburgers
3. Little-old-Ukranian-church-lady perogies
4. Fish & Chips
Four Places I'd Like to Be Right Now:
1. In front of a different computer writing
2. Playing a wargame (or painting or building scenery or...)
3. Sitting in a coffee shop with a mocha, reading TMA
4. With E, laughing and having fun like we always do
