Personal truths
- I don’t say half of what I think.
- If I did, I don’t think that most people in my life would be very pleased with what they heard.
- But I need to realize that is their issue, not mine.
- It’s okay though because I don’t think anyone listens to me most of the time anyway.
- There is no way you could hurt me intentionally nearly as badly as you have unintentionally.
- Loneliness is better alone.
- Chocolate does solve everything in the short term.
- Decisions may seem easier when others make them, but I probably won’t like the outcome.
- I fear losing you most of all, more than anything.
- “Treat others as you desire to be treated” is a load of crap. They end up getting treated really well, while I never get what I want. It’s up to me to teach them how to treat me.
- There is nothing wrong with sitting at home reading inside on a summer’s day.
- I miss my mom
- I will wait forever if I have to
What's your fortune, cookie?
"You seek to shield those you love and like the role of provider"
All That I Am
Let me stand, where you stand...I give you all that I amI am the one winged bird for flying
Sinking quickly to the ground
See your faith in me subsiding
See you prime for giving in
I give you all that I am
I am the sound of love's arriving
Echoed softly on the sand
Lay your head upon my shoulder
Lay your hand within my hand
I give you all that I am
And I breathe where you breathe
Let me stand where you stand
With all that I am
I am the white dove for a soldier
Ever marching as to war
I would give my life to save you
I stand guarding at your door
I give you all that I am
I am the one winged bird for flying
Sinking quickly to the ground
I am the blind man for a watchdog
I am prime for giving in
I'll show you all that I am
And I breathe so you breathe
Let me stand so you'll stand
With all that I am
-- Rob Thomas
Faith
I found something a while back. I didn't even realize I'd found it until recently, which is surprising considering I'd been searching for it for years. You'd think that I would have noticed it when it finally came into my possession, rather than just sneaking in quietly like pocket lint.
What I'm talking about is, as the title says, faith. You see, faith was something that I've wanted since I was very small, but never could find in a brand I liked. It was always too dogmatic for me. You had to buy "Catholic" faith, or "Presbyterian" faith or "Mesopotamian" faith. Too
branded for me.
Heck, I was the one who broke other's faith. I certainly did for my ex. Opened her eyes to the wider world of questions and helped break down that wall of dogma for her. But I never did find any faith of my own. Until now.
The faith that I've found doesn't have rules, at least not of the sort that tell me when I can eat chocolate or that my Jesus can beat up your Jesus. The primary rule here is to have faith in yourself. But even then it's not of the "little engine that could" variety, though there is part of that there. It's also about recognizing the divinity in all things. God is everywhere, even in you. God loves you, so you should love yourself. And you have the power within yourself to manifest all things divine. The Source is here. We are all the lost parts of that Source, looking to find a way home. And the Source is waiting for us to find our way back.
I'm glad I found it. And I'm glad I realized I found it. It's a step on a path back, I think, back to the Source.
Feelings and desires
I have to admit, I often feel like a dolt when I first see her. I'm sure that I act strange, and look odd, but it's all because of the thoughts running through my head.
You see, the first thing I want to do, I always want to do, is take her in my arms, give her a warm hug and a loving kiss. I know, that's not a good idea is it? My rational mind knows that, but my romantic heart doesn't like to listen. Just because we're standing in the hallway at work doesn't stop my
so active imagination from playing the scene out in my mind's eye. I sometimes toy with the thought of doing it anyway, but that's my inner Hollywood again.
Someday, when the stars are right (as old Howard likes to say) my scene might play out for real, even once. But I understand how reality works in the here and now. So in the meantime I guess I'll keep being a dofus when I see her, and hope that the awkwardness I feel doesn't manifest for anyone else to see. And I'll keep watching that movie play out on my little mental silver screen.
From another where, another when....
It was from another time, another place, another us.
We were there, you and I, and you were pregnant - looking like there was a beach ball stuffed up under your sundress. Probably a boy in that case.
You were 25 maybe, and beautiful, radient even, dressed in a pretty orange and yellow dress. I was younger than I am, putting a propriatary hand on that beach ball.
We were visiting your parents. Your mom and dad together, your dad with an arm over your mom's shoulder. No divorce in this place. We all talked happily, they pleased at the thought of their first grandchild.
That's all I was fortunate enough to see. A glimpse of another path...
#35
I evaluate my choices according to social and moral values. I forget myself
You need to remind yourself that you have the right also to have your own set of values!
It's time to stop letting others decide in your favour, judge your choices and your decisions. Yup...it's absolutely true.
Can't Fight this Feeling
I can't fight this feeling any longer.
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow.
What started out as friendship,
Has grown stronger.
I only wish I had the strength to let it show.
I tell myself that I can't hold OUT forever.
I said there is no reason for my fear.
Cause I feel so secure when we're together.
You give my life direction,
You make everything so clear.
And even as I WANDER,
I'm keeping you in sight.
You're a candle in the window,
On a cold, dark winter's night.
And I'm getting closer than I ever THOUGHT I MIGHT.
And I can't fight this feeling anymore.
I've forgotten what I started fighting for.
It's time to bring this ship into the shore,
And throw away the oars, forever.
Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore.
I've forgotten what I started fighting for.
And if I have to crawl upon the floor,
Come crashing through your door,
Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore.
My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you.
I've been running round in circles in my mind.
And it always seems that I'm following you, girl,
Cause you take me to the places,
That alone I'd never find.
And even as I wander,
I'm keeping you in sight.
You're a candle in the wind,
On a cold, dark winter's night.
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might.
And I can't fight this feeling anymore.
I've forgotten what I started fighting for.
It's time to bring this ship into the shore,
And throw away the oars, forever.
Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore.
I've forgotten what I started fighting for.
And if I have to crawl upon the floor,
Come crashing through your door,
Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore.
- REO Speedwagon
Visitors and thoughts
Well, here I am...hip deep in Chinese and thinking of you.
I've not seen you nearly as often as I'd like this last while...and for that I am deeply sorry. I know, it seems like life has conspired against us this summer, and with the number of disconnects we've had, it's like we're not meant to see each other. But still, I'm sorry, because I always like seeing you, spending time with you.
I hope you know that you're still always in my thoughts and always in my heart.
