Schedule of work
For Sunday (yesterday):
Made breakfast for everyone
Did four loads of laundry
Various changing of kiddo throughout the day
Shared my lunch with kiddo
Put kiddo to sleep for his afternoon nap
Researched software for S's project
Did grocery shopping (after getting sent out of the house by S so she and kiddo could sleep)
Made a lemon loaf
Cleaned up from making a lemon loaf
Made supper for everyone
Watched kiddo after supper (and watched Teletubbies in Chinese)
Gave kiddo a bath
Put kiddo to bed
*whew*All that, and I got some writing in too!
Pictures
If you have a double standard...then it's the double standard of men and women the world over I think. And honestly, they way you say is the way I operate anyway. Always have. I get buyer's remorse from a chocolate bar! (well, maybe not that bad, but close anyway) And that's nothing that I've picked up from S, or even J...it's from me. I was the same back when I was a carefree single in high school. I justify every purchase (well big purchase, say more than $10) before a firing squad, and the leader of that firing squad is me. I'll share that justification with anyone who asks, and yes, I still do ask permission even then.
I'm just like you, in that I know the budget down to the penny. I know how much can be spent, and can't be, and I have a very broad chicken streak that has learned to like a nice comfy margin between me and the wolf. And deviations from the budget make me panic the same way, even with that margin.
In terms of finances, here's the way I look at it. On my end, I'm a saver. I don't buy willy nilly, I self justify purchases up the ying yang already. I ask permission, and make sure that the other interested parties are informed and have a say.
On the other end, for my partner, I only have one prime request that I insist has to be stuck to.
"Don't sink us" After that the sky's the limit. Honestly. I'd like to be consulted on big big purchases ($50 or more say?) but even then so long as that prime rule is kept to, even that's not absolute. Beyond that I figure...go, have fun, get what you want...I trust you. You know the limits, you know the responsibilites, just remember don't sink us. I even suggest stuff (why don't you go get one of those....?) Sorry but I do, it's how I'm wired.
I know some of this may not seem to jive up with how I act when we're out together. But y'see the thing is, what I try to do is to spend on you the way I'd want you to spend on yourself, if what's mine was yours too.
The issue I have with finances and control is more what S ends up monitoring the bank account for. I can't say I want to have lunch with my best friend and just have her say "okay go ahead, have fun". She's made it emiently clear that she'd rather I not see my best friend ever again, but that's not going to happen. So I go anyway, but if the expense is seen, then the questions start and the circular argument goes around yet again.
My problems with control are along the lines of "I don't want you drinking coke anymore because it's bad for you so don't buy it, but here eat this fatty deep-fried snout for supper every night". Or being told that yes I can handle a situation in my own way and then being micromanaged and yelled at for not doing it her way. It's having her go through my bag and examine every last slip of paper just to keep tabs on me, and then denying she's done it. It's opening my mail just because it shows up in the same mailbox she has a key to.
My issues with control are about boundaries, respect and trust. Not communication, or even, in its own way, "freedom". I have never been respected or trusted by S. Not from our first date. Don't tell me how to live my life, I'm mine and always will be. I don't need another mom, I had one already, and even she didn't try to tell me how to live my life.
Sorry, I've written a novel here. I didn't mean to ramble on and on like this, but I wanted to give my feelings. I just want to try and say, I do understand that line is there, but while there are similarities, I think there are also big differences between the sides too.
While keeping out of the gutter....
Which is hard to do with this Khi...but I can try, damnit!
Okay, what today says is:
#5
I have secret territories. I feel like the fox that is saying to the Little Prince "Tame me"
You need to expose yourself in order to meet those that are like you and that need the real you.
It's time to tame yourself, to open up your space within your own bounds, at your own pace, by being available and vulnerable to what life has to offer you.So what does "tame me" mean? Well, to tame is to domesticate...but I already know how to not pee on the carpet. But another definition of tame is to control and to have discipline. Now we're on to something. I need to build my discipline, to tame myself to do what I need and want to do. To bring forth the "real" me, to live my dreams. And to do that, there are things inside I need to expose.
I think I understand this now. I really do.
But I still want to know how this thing is so scarily accurate....
Response to a response :-)
You could never ever ever disappoint me. I know the truth. Honestly, I do.
Believe me when I say I do understand your choice and I do understand that you have to do what you have to do. I know you are where you are for a reason, and I admire your strength and determination. I feel like it's the same for me, I know I have to stay here for now and see this through. If I didn't feel this way, I know you know that I'd say chuck it and plant myself outside your window singing love songs until the police came to drag me away, or until you agreed to run off with me. But I know too, in that way the AMORC has of saying "not faith but knowledge", that we will both be home again. Have no fear, I will continue to speak my mind, tell you what I feel, always.
A wise woman said to me once that the journey is just that, a journey, that leads to a destination. When that destination is finally reached, the people who reach it will be that much better for the trip. No worries, my love.
And I did know I'd surprised you. I have to admit I had a bit of a chuckle over that one. I
know how tough you are to surprise, and it pleased me in a silly way that I could. A good surprise, I think. :-)
I love you always
Step Taken
Well, it's away!
I've taken the step. I guess this moves me into somewhere new, (fully?) onto the path I should be taking. I'm excited by it, the thought of the new knowledge I can learn, the new mental places I can go. It feels momentous. It feels big. Guess we'll see....
It even got picked up
yesterday when I mailed it. The mail truck was already there, so I figured no way it'd go out that day, but it did! That says something don't you think?
Track me! (LE 050 153 959 CA)
An open letter to you
I hope I didn't shock or suprise you too badly when I said I think of you as my wife. I've said it before; you know it, I know, but still. It made me very happy when you said "I wish". It really did.
I wanted to tell you that I can't think of any way that I could feel more like you were my wife than I do now. Yes, I know, we don't live together, don't sleep together, all that jazz -- but still, it's how I feel.
You know my soul, you know me more intimately than either of the other women I've been "married" to. You know my thoughts, my desires, my weaknesses. You show you care in such meaningful ways, ways that are meaningful to
me. I love the way you ask me to do things, I love the things you do for me. I love the easy way we have of communicating. It's more than I ever dreamed was possible.
It all ties in to how you always say you're not my responsibility. And you're right, you're not. No one is, except for me and my son, and him only until he's old enough to be his own. But still, it's why I worry so much about you, why I want to do so much for you, with you, to help you. As much as I can. It's why I try to
make you my respsonsibility, insofar as anyone can be, and insofar as you'll let me.
You are the wife of my heart. And always will be.
A Step Closer
Paperwork's all filled out.
Anyone got a stamp?
What's the importance of joining now?
Well, don't they just have something to say in answer to that!
I posed the above to my tarot deck, in trying to find the importance of my membership of a particular organization at the present point in time. And what did I get as my result card? The ten of cups, upright. Here's a picture of the ol'
X of C, in case you're interested. Pretty joyous card eh? So I have an idea of the meaning of this one from past readings, but just to be sure, I pull out my handy book to have a read. Well, doesn't the book just automatically flop open to the "tens" page? And what did it have to say about the ten of cups?
Lasting happiness, contentment, and the realization of the Querant's heartfelt wishes are symbolized here. She is surrounded by the love of friends and family and can now enjoy emotional and spiritual harmony and fulfillment. There may be a joyful event or a situation that signifies the culmination and fulfillment of a dream.Not something to ignore, I don't think. So between this, the dreams and E's gentle pursuasion, it's time to get my ass in gear and get joined up! Now is the time. This means me!
Manifeso addendum: #4 Join! Don't be an idiot! Join!
This sounds good to me...
Khi for the day...
#90
Master Aboard
No outside influence
Self confident
Don't you think that sounds good? Or does it just mean that I'm tuned out?
:-)
How to make me feel very special
Honestly before lunch I was really feeling like the juggler that has way too many balls to keep in the air... and even though the amount of stuff I am juggling hasn't changed.... my feelings about it all has - and that is thanks to you.
Thank you E
A Manifesto to Me
I declare, from here on out that I will no longer be victim of the whims and forces of those who oppress me! (and that includes myself!!)
Henceforth I shall:
1. Work to obtain my goals and objectives, apply myself to the work at hand.
2. Use my Source-given gifts and talents in the way they are intended, not to be frittered away or ignored.
3. Be responsible for me, and me alone, to be honest with me first and foremost and to follow my own path, be my own judge and just generally be the best me I can be.
Um...that's all I can think of for now, but I'm sure there's more. I also reserve the right to update this manifesto whenever I think of more stuff to stick on the end! :-)
Well smack me in the head...
...and call me a monkey!
Today's Khi....
12
I hesitate because the fear of judgement brings me to question myself, to compare myself, based on other people's values
You need to stop tormenting yourself as to whether you are OK or not.
It's time for you to find the environment that needs you, that needs who you really are
That's so close to home it's changing channels on the TV.
23
I don't know what to do with all of these triggering events that are invading my daily life
You need to open up to the unexpected, to these instigators that are trying to get you out of your ordinary life.
It's time to respond to the call of life without being afraid of making a mistake
I've got to get a
Khi. It's so accurate it's scary.
Oh...now I have to add the "situational" or "broad scope" one that followed on....
75
I am more or less unaware of the role I play and of the one I have to play
52
You need to be responsible for your talent and not just leave it to chance
25
It's time to be responsible for you aptitudes by concretely manifesting your potential
Peeking in my mental windows, I tell you.
Wow!
I just followed a link that E sent me. I followed the rabbit down the hole and ended up playing a game of talking to myself (perfect for me really, since I do it anyway!). What a wonderful experience. It can really make you think and help to understand yourself. It helped me realize that the "other thing", that lesson I've been avoiding learning and jumping into, can really be a key thing that I've got to get my head around if I want to make any headway at all. What a darned nifty game to play and boy does it make ya think.
So are you interested now? Try it out. It's at
SATI online, with a free registration and 3 free plays. I've
got to buy the boardgame. Hmmmmmmmm, wonder if E wants to go halfers...?
Two paths, two stories...
I got a chance last night to run a couple of tarot spreads for myself and it was really interesting. I mean, okay, I believe in the tarot and that it works. I understand that you can have good spreads and bad spreads and all that stuff, and that you can even have nonsense spreads that make no sense when you read them, and all that stuff works in context. But last night I had what I found to be confirmation (yet again) that it all works like it's supposed to.
I ran two spreads, examining two different paths. The first came back basically following the course that I sorta, kinda expected it would. The second...well I ran the second out of curiosity. I was thinking that maybe I'd only been seeing what I was wanting or expecting to see and so I'd run this one and see what it had to say. Also sort of testing the whole "any cards can say anything you want them to say" theory too.
So I did that spread, and wow, what a result I got back. It was an ugly, nasty, *dark* spread, that culminated in "The Tower", reversed! I'm not sure what I was expecting, but everything about this spread, made it clear to me that it was:
a) a fantasy, not real, never could be, nor should be
b) a bad idea if ever it were to be real
and
c) an obvious sign of complete and utter failure on my part
Even the mirror card (that which reflects the signifier) was the "end result" card of the first spread!
It was interesting to do, and interesting results, and a bit more of a confirmation (for me at least) that I'm on the right path...
