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If you have a double standard...then it's the double standard of men and women the world over I think. And honestly, they way you say is the way I operate anyway. Always have. I get buyer's remorse from a chocolate bar! (well, maybe not that bad, but close anyway) And that's nothing that I've picked up from S, or even J...it's from me. I was the same back when I was a carefree single in high school. I justify every purchase (well big purchase, say more than $10) before a firing squad, and the leader of that firing squad is me. I'll share that justification with anyone who asks, and yes, I still do ask permission even then.I'm just like you, in that I know the budget down to the penny. I know how much can be spent, and can't be, and I have a very broad chicken streak that has learned to like a nice comfy margin between me and the wolf. And deviations from the budget make me panic the same way, even with that margin.
In terms of finances, here's the way I look at it. On my end, I'm a saver. I don't buy willy nilly, I self justify purchases up the ying yang already. I ask permission, and make sure that the other interested parties are informed and have a say.
On the other end, for my partner, I only have one prime request that I insist has to be stuck to. "Don't sink us" After that the sky's the limit. Honestly. I'd like to be consulted on big big purchases ($50 or more say?) but even then so long as that prime rule is kept to, even that's not absolute. Beyond that I figure...go, have fun, get what you want...I trust you. You know the limits, you know the responsibilites, just remember don't sink us. I even suggest stuff (why don't you go get one of those....?) Sorry but I do, it's how I'm wired.
I know some of this may not seem to jive up with how I act when we're out together. But y'see the thing is, what I try to do is to spend on you the way I'd want you to spend on yourself, if what's mine was yours too.
The issue I have with finances and control is more what S ends up monitoring the bank account for. I can't say I want to have lunch with my best friend and just have her say "okay go ahead, have fun". She's made it emiently clear that she'd rather I not see my best friend ever again, but that's not going to happen. So I go anyway, but if the expense is seen, then the questions start and the circular argument goes around yet again.
My problems with control are along the lines of "I don't want you drinking coke anymore because it's bad for you so don't buy it, but here eat this fatty deep-fried snout for supper every night". Or being told that yes I can handle a situation in my own way and then being micromanaged and yelled at for not doing it her way. It's having her go through my bag and examine every last slip of paper just to keep tabs on me, and then denying she's done it. It's opening my mail just because it shows up in the same mailbox she has a key to.
My issues with control are about boundaries, respect and trust. Not communication, or even, in its own way, "freedom". I have never been respected or trusted by S. Not from our first date. Don't tell me how to live my life, I'm mine and always will be. I don't need another mom, I had one already, and even she didn't try to tell me how to live my life.
Sorry, I've written a novel here. I didn't mean to ramble on and on like this, but I wanted to give my feelings. I just want to try and say, I do understand that line is there, but while there are similarities, I think there are also big differences between the sides too.
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