No one is to blame
I heard this song this morning and it brought back such memories. I was haunted by this song when I was a teenager but I don't think I ever really understood it until now. And now it makes perfect, crystal clear sense to me....
Another glimpse of you from before I ever knew you, I guess.
No One Is to Blame by Howard Jones
You can look at the menu, but you just can't eat
You can feel the cushion, but you can't have a seat
You can dip your foot in the pool,
but you can't have a swim
You can feel the punishment, but you can't commit the sin
And you want her, and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
You can build a mansion, but you just can't live in it
You're the fastest runner but you're not allowed to win
Some break the rules, and live to count the cost
The insecurity is the thing that won't get lost
Chorus
You can see the summit but you can't reach it
It's the last piece of the puzzle but you just can't make it fit
Doctor says you're cured but you still feel the pain
Aspirations in the clouds but your hopes go down the drain
Chorus
No one ever is to blame
No one ever is to blame
Perspectives
About a week ago, my horoscopes in the Star said that basically all would be well for me, once I found "a new perspective" on things. I think I finally have found that new perspective.
I've been fighting this whole staying home thing. I've been battling it and determined not to enjoy it in the slightest. But that was exactly the wrong attitude to have. I realized that what I needed to do was to shift my vantage point, and rather than think of all the good stuff that I'm missing (seeing you daily, going to lunch with you daily, having a challenging mental day, seeing you daily, etc) I should really look at the whole picture of what I'm missing.
C is being an absolute nut-job. She's driving you crazy, and sounds headed to the loony bin. If I'd stayed I'd be on the stats job, and probably working downtown a lot, so I wouldn't get to see you anyway. I am still getting to see you, and email with you and talk on the phone, so it's not exactly China, it's just not all day every day like it was. It's been colder than a Saskatchewan Christmas out there, with winds that would make Dorothy feel at home; and if there's one thing that I really really really hate about winter, it's the wind.
And then on the other side, I've found a nanny lady here who is like a dream and who loves little I and he loves her, so that when I do need to escape for my sanity, I can, and I know he's in good hands. And now just the other day the neighbour, M, who's home alone since her little one is in school and she's still waiting delivery of the second from Asia, called to say "hey if you're bored just come on over, have a coffee and a chat, and if you need to run out, I can look after I for you for an hour or two too...."
I'm supposed to, well, if not enjoy what I'm doing, I am supposed to at the least not lothe it entirely. And the key thing is that just today, just this afternoon, I think I worked out (possibly) why. I don't think I'll go into details about that part, the whole superstition of saying it jinxs it and all that rot, but I think I have an idea, one that makes sense and feels right. So I'll stick with it, and try to work with this new perspective. Of it all, it's you I miss the most, but I know that this is a step I need to be doing, so that our paths may eventually converge. Doesn't mean I have to like that either, but going around angry all the time isn't getting me anywhere either.
Thoughts of you from before you even were
And in my childhood...well, I think I told you about the time I felt so lonely, simply utterly alone in the universe (I think I was around 3 or 4)...I knew there were people and my mom and all, but they weren't who I wanted...you weren't here yet -- and now, in the present, I don't feel that loneliness anymore I did...up until a few years ago. It passed after I came back from LA.
I remember with startling clarity how important I felt my 5th birthday was. How signficant it was. I had no idea why it was so special, just that it was and that it was really important for me. I don't remember anything I got, I don't remember any other birthdays, 4, 6, 7 nothing...but 5...in 1974, two months before your birth. Around the time when your mom was going into the hospital because you were causing her troubles....
When I was a teenager, I was certain that there was someone for me, my true love. Not in that "oh will there ever be" sort of way, but rather, dead certainty, it was just a matter of finding her. I felt for a lot of my youth that I was looking for someone...but I didn't know who it was or where to find her...but that I'd know when I did. And the first time I saw you it was like a voice in my head that said "That's her"
Even down to the role music plays for us. I knew, again, with dead certanty, that music would be so important to me and my true love. I clearly remember "seeing" me and her (though she was a bit hazy) sitting parked in a car together, playing songs to share the lyrics with each other to say what we meant and how we felt. That would have been when I was about 14 or so I guess. And I knew this was something "we" woudl do...
Your name, "E" has allways been significant to me. With the K too no C...signficant not in the "oh that's a nice name" or "I could name a daughter taht" way...no different. More in a "that's her" kinda way....
I dunno, maybe I'm reading more into it all than is there...but it just seems to make sense now. Stuff that puzzled and confused me and that I remember from decades ago (when theres so much other stuff I've forgotten) that now makes sense with me and you.
