Need to Know Basis
I got a lesson the other day. Well maybe not a lesson, but I heard something I needed to hear, and it really helped me. E pointed out to me how I was letting it all effect me, how I was letting it all get to me, and that I was making that emotional commitment toward the stress that C and S and everyone were all giving to me.
I've thought a lot about what she said, and what it meant, and she's completely right. I was buying into it. I was letting it get to me. There was no need. So I'm trying now to let it go, to release it all and let it slide off. It's helped a great deal, and it's made so much sense.
It was something I needed to be told, something I needed to know.
Thoughts
I see what you've had to say, and I'm sorry that you feel the way that you obviously do. You've been stepped back for a while now, that much has been very clear to me. It's why I asked if you were still angry with me. I have been feeling tortured to you, but you have been feeling just 'not there' to me.
I think one of the reasons I have been so tortured lately (and yes, it's a good term, it does fit) is that I've been trying to please both her, and you, at the expense of myself. I'm so worried about disappointing you, but I *must* be honest with you too. I refuse to have our relationship be one of edits and half-told tales and living in fear of your disappointment. I need to be me, and I need to be doing what I am. It's part of what I need to learn. I'm sorry that you find that to be a cop out answer. It's one you've given me many times before, and I have always trusted you that you knew what you were doing. Does it help at all to tell you that I've "seen" this summer, this way of life, since before young Winston showed up? That I've known that it would be this way for almost a year?
I'm not asking you to take ownership of me. I never have, and I never will. And I'm sorry if I've hurt you. That is the last thing I would ever want or intend to do. You know I'd rather be hurt myself than to give you pain.
Two in, three out
Let me start by saying I know I disappointed you. I'm sorry about that. I know you wanted me there all the time, back to 5 days a week and all that. And I know that you're probably thinking that I've let her whip me into doing this work at home thing.
But I have to say, this is what I need to be doing. I know I do. There is a reason, and I'm not even sure what it is, that I need to be doing this. It all worked out far too easy for it to not be what's supposed to be. Unfortunately this is where I need to be and what I need to be doing just now. I knew this would be (or something like this at least) months ago. I could see it, envision it, I knew it would be like this.
It doesn't mean I don't want to be with you. And it doesn't mean I don't miss the heck out of you when I'm not there with you. But trust me, please, I know what I'm doing. My eyes are focused on the prize, on the beautiful goal at the end of the path. This is just another step on the way there.
Love always....
Rough notes
For a letter...
May 28th @ 2:35 am (yeah, am...sucks don't it?)
Mercury in the 4th, rules both the 3rd (communications) and the 4th (real estate) and with Libra on the 7th cusp rules the 7th (relationships - specifically that with the seller)
Mercury is (of course) conjunct with itself, and also applying trine to the moon (co ruler of the ascendant) which is a good thing. The ascendant (pisces) ruler is Neptune which is actually making no aspect to anything involved with the question from it's place in the (unfortunately) 12th house. Though the sun is in the 2nd, but in Gemini, which also strikes me as a good thing.
Okay so that's the "good for now" answer. Let's see what the "best" answer is.
