It's so hard--
--leaving you.
I know it's only for a little while. Not that long. Not like last time. But then again, it's not like last time for other reasons too.
It's so hard to go, when every ounce of me screams to stay. But I know I can't. Not yet. I've got things to do still, just like you. Doesn't make it any easier. And it doesn't mean we have to like it.
I cried when I left today. I cried yesterday too. And I have the feeling I'll cry again tomorrow.
I'm going to try to follow your advice and have fun anyway, enjoy myself in spite of it all, but I know for a fact that I'll be counting the days 'till I see you again, and the hours until I can email you and read your replies and feel that you're not really half a world away.
I'll be thinking of you. Thinking of you sleeping while I'm eating lunch. Thinking of you at your desk while I'm going to bed. Thinking of you, and missing you.
You gave me something today, and I have to thank you one more time for it. It made me so happy. You said I had to have it before I left for China, and I know you were right. All the way home I could feel it, feel the energy of it, and it made me feel better. That pit in my stomach faded, I could manage it, I can do this. It felt like I had a battery in my pocket, my own little sun fueling me. Thank you so much, you don't know what it means to me...but then again, maybe you do.
I'll be back. It won't be long, but it will still be far too long.
I love you and miss you already.
Going on record
I just had to go on record somewhere and say this "officially".
I don't want to go to China. I know I have to, but I
don't want to.
*sigh*
An answer...
...to your quesiton.
I've been thinking about this since you first asked why....but even so I've not been sure what to answer.
Did I know I was settling? Was it a concious decision? Yeah, it was. I knew that my ultimate was not attainable, the best simply wasn't an option. I can remember making that decision...the one where I said "Okay, well, guess it's time to see what else is possible". Even then I knew no one could replace you. That first level spot was occupied long ago, and permanently.
Did I think it would be worth it? That's a little tougher one. Honestly, I didn't know. I don't think I was thinking that far ahead. I know I was drifting, waiting to see what fate and destiny threw in my path. But did I think it would be worth it, in the long term? At the time, long term was a week away at most, and I had no plans. Honestly, I don't think I was really fair to her or myself. But at the same time I think she was in the same boat. I think that maybe it was something that she and I both walked into, eyes open, but glasses off. The here and now was clear enough, but the future? No, that was all soft and fuzzy. Amazing how far you can go on autopilot isn't it?
And if I can just add in a final thought...on that last question you asked...the one addressed to you... Listen carefully to whoever said that. You are so very precious. You are worth so very much. Always.
