I came to a realization on thursday (or was it wednesday) heading home from work. She, that is the woman who I feel I should be with, the one who I'm truly in love with and feel is my soul-mate...her, well, she's giving me all that she can...all that she's prepared to right now. And for that I am extremely grateful. I cherish everything we have and do together, and for now that's got to be enough. I've got my family, she has hers. If some day we can be a family together, that's wonderful too, but until then, I take all she can give and give all that I can. And that, is a relationship.
What a weight off that was to learn! *Whew* I can breathe again. I can relax again. I can understand and live a life and not be tormented. What caused this? Where did this revelation come from? I have no idea. I'm just glad it showed up. :-)
Random thoughts from a one track mind
Saturday, February 28, 2004
Thursday, February 26, 2004
I'm tired as hell and sick of not having a life.
I feel like I never have the opportunity to do anything for myself anymore. It's always somthing for my wife, something for my son, never anything for me.
I read in my horoscope this week that I'll be "getting rid of something I no longer need". I fear that this means any sort of life or personal interests I ever had. *sigh*
And I just wish I could have a decent night's sleep! I keep having these royally screwed up dreams. I have no clue where they came from or why I'm having them, but they just keep me from having a decent sleep! By the time I drag my ass home at night I'm just about ready to nod off at the wheel....
Now it's home for another weekend of slaving to the family. Well, only 20 years until my son's old enough to be out on his own...maybe then I'll have a chance to breathe for myself.
I feel like I never have the opportunity to do anything for myself anymore. It's always somthing for my wife, something for my son, never anything for me.
I read in my horoscope this week that I'll be "getting rid of something I no longer need". I fear that this means any sort of life or personal interests I ever had. *sigh*
And I just wish I could have a decent night's sleep! I keep having these royally screwed up dreams. I have no clue where they came from or why I'm having them, but they just keep me from having a decent sleep! By the time I drag my ass home at night I'm just about ready to nod off at the wheel....
Now it's home for another weekend of slaving to the family. Well, only 20 years until my son's old enough to be out on his own...maybe then I'll have a chance to breathe for myself.
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
Feeling better today.
I often wonder why people say and do the things they do. Why does stuff come up when it does? And why does it seem to come up at the strangest of times? Just makes me wonder really. I mean, if I were to be having the discussion I've been having with someone over the past few days, because of something tangable that I could tell where it came from, I'd feel a lot better. I'd have something I could point to and say "Huh, there, that's what caused this" but I can't.
Lemme get a little more detailed here. I've been dancing about with someone very dear to me about the fact that we've got something special, and that we should have more than we do, but don't and when will fate ever decide to let us get on with what we want to get on with? But I have no idea why we're having this discussion. I have no clue where it came from. None.
In other news...my son isn't sleeping. Which, of course, means that my wife and I aren't sleeping either. But, she's so paranoid about me and what I do when she's asleep, she refuses to go to be without me! I mean, talk about trust issues!
Okay, now reading that in light of the paragraphs above....I mean, that person and I aren't going to do anything about things. It's not like we're about to leave our families and shack up. Heaven knows, if she'd wanted that she coulda had it when I left my first wife, but she blew her chance there.
Which brings me back to being confused.
All will become clear, I guess...someday....
I often wonder why people say and do the things they do. Why does stuff come up when it does? And why does it seem to come up at the strangest of times? Just makes me wonder really. I mean, if I were to be having the discussion I've been having with someone over the past few days, because of something tangable that I could tell where it came from, I'd feel a lot better. I'd have something I could point to and say "Huh, there, that's what caused this" but I can't.
Lemme get a little more detailed here. I've been dancing about with someone very dear to me about the fact that we've got something special, and that we should have more than we do, but don't and when will fate ever decide to let us get on with what we want to get on with? But I have no idea why we're having this discussion. I have no clue where it came from. None.
In other news...my son isn't sleeping. Which, of course, means that my wife and I aren't sleeping either. But, she's so paranoid about me and what I do when she's asleep, she refuses to go to be without me! I mean, talk about trust issues!
Okay, now reading that in light of the paragraphs above....I mean, that person and I aren't going to do anything about things. It's not like we're about to leave our families and shack up. Heaven knows, if she'd wanted that she coulda had it when I left my first wife, but she blew her chance there.
Which brings me back to being confused.
All will become clear, I guess...someday....
Monday, February 16, 2004
Okay, start of a new week, right?
So, of course, I've got a bitch of a headache that's trying to develop into a migrane. I haven't seen those flashing lights in a dog's age, so where the heck is it coming from now? Well, wherever it's from it can just scoot right back there.
Had a very nice weekend. Valantines day spent with the wife and child. I went the macho route and bought her underwear. It actually went over far better than I ever expected. I even got credit for paying a fortune, when I really didn't! She didn't buy me anything, but I got my present back in service.... ;-)
Even my dad was out for V's with my step-mom! Now that's something...getting him out of the house!
Work sucks, but that't to be expected, I think. I have the best fun playing an In Nomine RPG with my best friend (in the whole wide word), rather than doing work. Then again, it's not that onerous here.
Okay, that's enough for now...back to work and psuedo-work while waiting to see if my head'll explode....
So, of course, I've got a bitch of a headache that's trying to develop into a migrane. I haven't seen those flashing lights in a dog's age, so where the heck is it coming from now? Well, wherever it's from it can just scoot right back there.
Had a very nice weekend. Valantines day spent with the wife and child. I went the macho route and bought her underwear. It actually went over far better than I ever expected. I even got credit for paying a fortune, when I really didn't! She didn't buy me anything, but I got my present back in service.... ;-)
Even my dad was out for V's with my step-mom! Now that's something...getting him out of the house!
Work sucks, but that't to be expected, I think. I have the best fun playing an In Nomine RPG with my best friend (in the whole wide word), rather than doing work. Then again, it's not that onerous here.
Okay, that's enough for now...back to work and psuedo-work while waiting to see if my head'll explode....
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Well, that was interesting... Ran across this quiz somewhere, and I think it came back surprisingly accurate!
find your element
at mutedfaith.com.
I'm in the throes now of trying to figure out what to buy. I play toy soldier game and I want to get a new army, but I'm not sure what to buy or what size to get it in. I know, tough choice right? It's not like I'm worrying about anything real....like what I have to pay my ex-wife, or how my kid's going to grow up or where my next meal is coming from or anything. Just what size of toys I want.
Why does writing this thing always make me melancholy? Am I just so used to *drama* in these things that it doesn't feel right unless there is some? Or is it that I only journal when I feel this way? Hmmmmmm.....
find your element
at mutedfaith.com.
I'm in the throes now of trying to figure out what to buy. I play toy soldier game and I want to get a new army, but I'm not sure what to buy or what size to get it in. I know, tough choice right? It's not like I'm worrying about anything real....like what I have to pay my ex-wife, or how my kid's going to grow up or where my next meal is coming from or anything. Just what size of toys I want.
Why does writing this thing always make me melancholy? Am I just so used to *drama* in these things that it doesn't feel right unless there is some? Or is it that I only journal when I feel this way? Hmmmmmm.....
Thursday, February 05, 2004
*whew* Feeling much better today. Don't know where my head was yesterday. musta been depressed or seomthing like that... Feeling much better today. Life is life, the past is past, time to get on wiht the future! I have a beautiful wife and a beautiful son (and I have to shovel the driveway, but let's not talk about that right now....)
Nope, feeling much better..... :-)
Nope, feeling much better..... :-)
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
Had lunch today with a friend of mine. Well, she's more than a friend, or at least she was supposed to be. Didn't turn out that way. And now I'm stuck with this whole lost opportunites thing. I really feel like things should've been different, like we missed out on something, something that would have been really wonderful. It's depressing. I then spent the trip back to the office with a driver talking about his dead father....wonderful. That just made the afternoon.....
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Experimental blogging to figure of if this'll work for me.....
About Me
- Name: HPL (eh pea ell)
- Location: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
I'm on a strictly need to know basis
Links
- Toronto Star - Bestest horoscopes!
- Best, Sandra
- Dave Barry
- Dream Moods
Reads
Previous Posts
- Myers Briggs
- Freshly Squeezed
- Desires
- Half life
- Christmas Listing
- From Asia #3
- From Asia #2
- From Asia #1
- Showing the Colours
- My Messiah's Handbook
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