Me - by the stars
Gemini
No matter how pained or upset you may be in the aftermath of this tense full moon, the act of keeping busy will anesthetise you to the point where you will happily forget what's troubling you. Be patient. Keep your mind occupied and all will be fine.
Scorpio
It is possible to deal with the reality of your situation without feeling you have to accept it. Neither do you have to take less than what you deserve nor should you fear losing what you have worked so hard to achieve. Your life is more under your control than you realize.
Star light
Star bright
First star I see tonight
I wish I may
I wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight
Mercury avows:
You will have your wish after a reversal...
Clarification
I'm sorry...I'm not trying to play headgames. Honestly, I'm not. I fear I've only served to make you angry which was the last thing I wanted to do...I should probably just have kept quiet.
I probably also shouldn't have said that about "not good enough", or at least put it in context. No, you've never promised me anything. You've implied nothing. I wasn't trying to put words in your mouth. Rather I was trying to show what I was thinking and feeling at the time. Things that played into why I didn't tell you about S and I getting married. But that feeling's done and past, and I understand the situation. Anything else was simply hopes and dreams on my own part.
I do understand you are staying where you are. I do know that that is not going to change. I accept that he is in your life and will be. She is in mine. I know you accept that too. But I do think you have a misconception about her opinion of you. She likes you, she has no issue with you. It's me she has issue with, but even there, it's gotten better. You could call, anytime you wanted, and chat, there'd be no crucifixion. I've even been told it would be welcomed. You've been a great help to her, to us, to A, and it's appreciated. Unfortunately, it's a chicken and egg thing. Until you start, I can't reply, iykwim. I know, it's high school and it's silly, but it is a fact of my life (unfortunately). I said better...not perfect.
As to you being gone...well, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I miss the closeness we had last summer. It doesn't feel like it's there anymore, and hasn't for months. It feels like there's a wall between us. You don't tell me anything (well much at least) about your life anymore. Sure, you mention A's jumper, or a neat new book, but I didn't know you'd been declined until I asked. I was concerned about your sudden doctor's appt but felt I'd really overstepped my bounds in asking about it. You are one of the most important people in my life, and I care very deeply about what happens to you. I want you in my life, I can't imagine you not being there, I
don't want to imagine it. I want to be a part of your life too. You are my best friend forever, and I value that more than gold.
I'm sorry I wasn't clear.
Sorry
I am sorry for so many things.
I know you said over and done, and so I was really torn about whether I should even say anything. So I'm sorry, but I do want to reply.
I'm sorry I never said anything. I know you don't know all the reasons, and I don't think that you'd ever want to, they're past and forgiven. But let me just say that it came about at a time when I wasn't even sure how much of a part in my life you would ever play. You were away, incommunicado, busy with your happy family and your new little boy. For me, it was a time when I knew I was making a mistake. I knew I was settling for second best because first was not and would never be an option. It was something of which I was ashamed, but resigned toward, because it was the best I could do. I was ashamed too, that I wasn't good enough for you, I'd not been able to make first come first.
Later, as we grew closer, it made it even worse, because it meant I'd foiled myself, ruined myself. If only I'd waited, if only I'd held out, if only something had been different, if only... And it had been so long, and I felt so badly, and I was afraid that somehow it would drive you away again. I knew I would tell you eventually, and I suspected it would not come out under the best of circumstances, but I pushed it down anyway, hoping to avoid it that much longer. I'm sorry.
I know you're disappointed in me. And for that too I'm sorry. I'm disappointed in me too.
Is that why you've gone? No, it can't be -- you've been gone far longer than you've known this. I'm sorry if I made you go away. I miss you.
Perhaps now I can let go of my own guilt, and shame, and hurt, and forgive myself. I've hated feeling that black seed of omission lying there, poking me every day.
I'm sorry.
