Sorry
I am sorry for so many things.I know you said over and done, and so I was really torn about whether I should even say anything. So I'm sorry, but I do want to reply.
I'm sorry I never said anything. I know you don't know all the reasons, and I don't think that you'd ever want to, they're past and forgiven. But let me just say that it came about at a time when I wasn't even sure how much of a part in my life you would ever play. You were away, incommunicado, busy with your happy family and your new little boy. For me, it was a time when I knew I was making a mistake. I knew I was settling for second best because first was not and would never be an option. It was something of which I was ashamed, but resigned toward, because it was the best I could do. I was ashamed too, that I wasn't good enough for you, I'd not been able to make first come first.
Later, as we grew closer, it made it even worse, because it meant I'd foiled myself, ruined myself. If only I'd waited, if only I'd held out, if only something had been different, if only... And it had been so long, and I felt so badly, and I was afraid that somehow it would drive you away again. I knew I would tell you eventually, and I suspected it would not come out under the best of circumstances, but I pushed it down anyway, hoping to avoid it that much longer. I'm sorry.
I know you're disappointed in me. And for that too I'm sorry. I'm disappointed in me too.
Is that why you've gone? No, it can't be -- you've been gone far longer than you've known this. I'm sorry if I made you go away. I miss you.
Perhaps now I can let go of my own guilt, and shame, and hurt, and forgive myself. I've hated feeling that black seed of omission lying there, poking me every day.
I'm sorry.
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