Thoughts
I see what you've had to say, and I'm sorry that you feel the way that you obviously do. You've been stepped back for a while now, that much has been very clear to me. It's why I asked if you were still angry with me. I have been feeling tortured to you, but you have been feeling just 'not there' to me.I think one of the reasons I have been so tortured lately (and yes, it's a good term, it does fit) is that I've been trying to please both her, and you, at the expense of myself. I'm so worried about disappointing you, but I *must* be honest with you too. I refuse to have our relationship be one of edits and half-told tales and living in fear of your disappointment. I need to be me, and I need to be doing what I am. It's part of what I need to learn. I'm sorry that you find that to be a cop out answer. It's one you've given me many times before, and I have always trusted you that you knew what you were doing. Does it help at all to tell you that I've "seen" this summer, this way of life, since before young Winston showed up? That I've known that it would be this way for almost a year?
I'm not asking you to take ownership of me. I never have, and I never will. And I'm sorry if I've hurt you. That is the last thing I would ever want or intend to do. You know I'd rather be hurt myself than to give you pain.
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